Saturday, January 8, 2011

confused in times of need?

When we have worked so hard for everything, as humans do we loose them on purpose just to excite us then chase it back again? Is it human nature, to want something or someone so much then just let it go but only to chase it back again? I find myself asking this question repeatedly nowadays. For example, now this is going way beyond the norm, I look at my friends all around me and find them stuck or facing the same problem. There are some who have claimed that their dealing with this problem are just peachy, however behind the scenes nobody really knows.

I looked backed during the days of freedom, in which i am referring to the semester holiday. I mean that is the only time i experience freedom. Anyways, there is this interesting point of which i choose to only share with myself and to those whom are privilege to read this blog or in fact stumble onto it. During the semester break, i started communicating with a friend of mine who lives far from the city i'm in. We started chatting on the web and soon i began to realize something.

Our normal conversation began turning into a different direction of which i must point out that both parties were already spoken for. To be honest in every way possible, i kinda enjoyed the conversation even though it had gotten a lil weird, i mean life before we are with somebody and after is totally different. To be honest, there are somethings that we can say to our partners and there are things that should be kept to ourselves. but in some cases, there are incidents where we just need someone who has been in the same position as us to talk to not close friends but somehow rather a person who is just willing to hear and wont judge us because somewhere along the river that person has been in "shit creak" and stuck without a paddle.

Our conversations grew and developed from one stage to another with such progress. Somehow rather I liked the fact that we grew closer just by the web chats and sms's.Honestly it felt as if i had found my comfort zone and vice versa.

My friends however advice me to cut this bullshit as it is not healthy. They keep telling me that this person has some sort of past and a horrible one too. but theres a voice in me that says i dont care cause as far as i know this person could have been in the same boat that i was once in. not to say that we complete each other bullshit but like i said, we found our comfort zone.

But i got to get this off my chest, as i am afraid if this thing will how grow into things that i could not have imagine. right now i believe that i'm not playing with fire but somehow a smoking charcoal. Getting serious, one thing that bugs me is that this persons attitude is constantly changing in all directions and i for one cant read. Call me twat of any sort but i stay firm as to what i say and believe in.

A close friend of mine said, the reason why this person acted a certain way towards you was because during of which "she" needed someone "he wasnt there and you were constantly there. but how am i to blame when that is already my default setting. i was raised by good parents and what i'm doing was just comforting someone in time of need. In which not to praise myself or anything close to it, but somehow i was taking the responsibilities of the guy. i felt bad, but what am i suppose to do? i mean you cant expect me to be cold hearted and leave someone hangging right? honestly i dont know.

my friend also said that in times like these, i have to hold a good composure be and the best behavioral platform and portray someone who is stable and confident. Now i just feel like i'm being used as a device no longer as a comfort zone but as a weekend thing. i should be happy right?

the only thing i can say is that, where ever the road takes me, i hope theres no bumps and no obstructions as to where i'm heading. but honestly i do feel used and i guess anytime that person needs me i'll help.

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